Wolverine, Dean Winchester, James Bond. When I’m embracing my inner damsel-in-distress, I need a real man to come to my rescue and save me, even if only in my dreams.
The guy in the following video is clearly tough; look, no helmet. We might even argue the shirtlessness makes him fearless, though, I think it crosses the stupid line. But what removes him as a candidate from my tough guy list (because even in my dreams I have standards) is the fact that he thought this was okay to do in the first place. I love the disclaimer below the video; “I don’t usually train them this way, but…” Uh, huh. Whatever, dude. My only regret is that it was your girlfriend/sister/booty-call who got lawn-darted and not you, although if she’s the one that proclaimed at the 1:37 mark of the video; ‘Look at her, she’s broke!” then maybe getting tossed on her head helped in some small way.
Here are some more tough men. Real ‘ca-boys’. It’s a 9-minute video, and to be honest I didn’t get past the 1-minute mark. So maybe it gets better? All I could see was terrified prey animals trying with all their might to get away to safety. Then I thought about all the soft tissue and skeletal trauma that was happening, while their heads were being pulled around and they were being yanked off balanced. Shame on every single person in the stands who are clapping and cheering.
But wait! We start’em young.
I don’t want to pick on just the folks on this side of the ocean, so here are some of our Spanish brethren showing that barbarianism exists in all cultures. Such despicable treatment of horses in this day and age is unacceptable. I want to terrorize every single one of them and yank them around until they are mentally and emotionally broken.
And here’s the same thing, but packaged with some pretty accented talk and Elvis Presley eyes.
I think that last offends me the most. “Because we have so many horses to get through in such a short time….” Well, gosh, in that case you’re totally justified in your methods; it’s for their own good. Let me take some notes:
- When I want a prideful horse to trust me, I make sure he’s confused and scared then force him to submit into the most defenseless position he instinctively knows. Petting him on the neck then, pretending I give a shit, seals the deal.
- Breaking-in is okay, especially if I don’t have much time. Even though the definition of break (v) is: to separate into parts, as in to damage by separating into parts. And if that’s not clear, then how about this list of synonyms: smash, fracture, rupture, shatter, split, crack, sever. Oh, yeah. I’m all about breaking-in horses.
- If at first you get face planted; try, try again because clearly what you’re doing is working.
I still like my men tough, but I also like them to respect animals and treat them accordingly. If my man baby talks to an animal when he doesn’t think anyone is looking, all the better.
Do not fear male readers of Hooves, I’m getting to the ladies…